Welcome to Gaia! ::

I came out right before I turned 18. I assumed at 18 I was legally allowed to make decisions for myself and could pursue transition. I found a therapist and other trans men and saw it was all possible. But then I hit a road bump. Where I live you had to be 19 to start therapy, otherwise I'd have to go to see a therapist at the children's hospital. No one in my province at the time were coming out as trans that young and the doctors and therapists were uncomfortable with the idea of transitioning so young. I pushed on and found loopholes and jumped hoops for a very frustrating year and a half until I finally succeeded.

Starting hormones was such a relief. At that point my life was falling apart around me, but at least one thing was finally moving forward. In that year and a half of struggling to begin my transition, my family were not supportive. I moved out, dropped out of university, and tried to make it on my own. It wasn't until the very day before I started hormones, that my mother gave me her approval for me to start, making me promise that I wouldn't have surgery till I wasn't a teenager any more. She didn't know I was scheduled to start testosterone the very next day, so hearing her say 'yes' at the last minute took away the feeling of guilt I would of had if I'd started without her blessing. Soon after I scheduled my chest surgery. In another six months, I would turn 20, and would no longer be a teenager.

Starting testosterone brought about a lot of changes, both physically and mentally. I knew everything to expect physically but mentally I didn't think I would change much, because I didn't want to change mentally. I only wanted to change my body, not my self.The very first changes I noticed was my voice deepening and my genitals changing. Aside from the relief of finally starting testosterone, the other emotional changes I experienced was essentially 'roid rage.'

Despite being on a relatively low dose, my body adjusted to T in a way that gave me very angry outbursts. I was filled with an inhuman rage that scared me. I suffered from severe aggression and anger during the first couple of months. To note, my life had fallen into a very dark time right before I started hormones: I was going through an extremely rough patch, having an "existential crisis" and quitting my job, being homeless, getting arrested, being kidnapped and raped etc, etc. So while I cannot say that all of my anger and emotional problems were direct effects of testosterone alone, I do admit that the hormones definitely heightened the level of negative emotions that I was coping with at the time.

After a few months once the hormones settled and my life started falling back in to place again, things were great for a long time. I felt good about myself and about all of my physical changes. Mentally I was better than I had been in years. I was able to stop my anti-depressants and felt happy and stable for the most part. Even though the physical changes came slowly, I felt a surge of confidence. I no longer felt trapped and helpless. I'd overcome so many challenges that that in its own right gave me confidence. I felt so much weight lifted off of me knowing that I no longer had to fight, and prove myself to be the person I'd been all along. Even the placebo effect of just knowing that testosterone was flowing through my body made me feel so good, so right, so connected to my body. With the help of transitioning, I'd turned my life around and made something of myself, a happy person with hope and ambition in his heart. My feelings of dysphoria were lessened and I was able to get on with my life without all of the fears and feelings of inadequacy I had experienced pre-T. Of course it wasn't all due to hormones, surgery, and transitioning. I was proud of all the accomplishments I'd made. My life was improving all around me.

After six months of testosterone my voice was deep enough that it wasn't getting me into trouble any more. I was able to grow some facial hair, but nothing to write home about. I had my chest surgery and I have to say I felt really good. I finally liked how I looked, and I loved not feeling the need to bind any more. I wasn't filled with anxiety any longer about my appearance. I felt good, I looked good, and I happened to be madly in love at the time. I was on top of the world and felt like nothing could bring me down.

It was when life started not to be so grand anymore that I began to notice how testosterone had affected my emotions, as well as my body. I found myself unable to cry when I was sad, and through that I started to notice that I didn't feel much of anything at all, any time. Not happiness for friend's successes nor sadness for their losses. All of my feelings had been watered down. I knew what emotions I should feel in certain situations, but they didn't come to me. I would force them upon myself, but they weren't natural and it made me feel so guilt-ridden for not feeling anything genuine. This was the one change I was not expecting when I started testosterone and I was in denial about it for a year or so. I felt that it had changed who I was, which is never what I wanted. I wanted to continue to be me, and express myself as me.

Prior to starting testosterone I had assured myself that I could stop at any time. I didn't need to stay on testosterone for my entire life if I didn't want to. I had assumed I would take it for five years till I knew I had achieved all the possible physical changes that I desired. After two years however, I noticed a plateau in my changes. It started to look like I wouldn't be changing any more. My voice is as deep as it's going to get, my facial hair is as thick as it's going to grow, and my body hair is plentiful in all the right places, and I feel really good about how I look. Any other changes I desire can be worked for through regular exercise and a healthy diet.

I had considered stopping for a long time. I first started looking into it back when I'd been on it for a year and a half. After two years I started developing anxiety about self-injecting. Not having a pre-existing needle phobia, and having been fine self-injecting for so long, this came as a surprise. I began to really not want to inject and would often delay my shot for several days. In this time between shots, I would get a glimpse of what it felt like to be off T and it felt kind of good. I knew I was going to stop soon, but I just wasn't sure when. It wasn't until I noticed my hair was beginning to thin that I knew that was the end. That was the time to stop because I was not going to risk going bald. Balding = deal breaker between testosterone and I. That was my rule from the beginning.

I took my last shot on my three year T-anniversary. It's been five months since I stopped and already I 'feel' again. I've been able to cry and really feel my emotions. I've had to learn how to deal with my emotions all over again, but I'm adjusting and feel good about it. I know it was a good decision for me to stop, just as it had been a good decision for me to start in the first place. With all the physical changes that I could gain from T behind me, I'm ready to be myself in my body. While this might not be the path for everyone, this is the path that works for me. Despite stopping hormones, my transition is still not over yet. After three months, I've started to bleed again. It's a strange experience after having a three year break, but it's acting like nothing ever happened. So I'm now pursuing my options towards a hysterectomy or alternative method. After that I will continue my journey towards lower surgery.

This long rant is just a brief description of my experience with testosterone from start to finish. If you have any specific questions for me about anything I've said or forgotten to say, please feel free to ask me. If you have any other related questions I will be happy to try to answer them for you. If you have any thoughts or experiences about starting/stopping T, adjusting to changes, etc, please feel free to post here and we can start a conversation about it. I think the topic of "stopping testosterone" isn't discussed enough in the transgender community which is what has prompted me to do so.

Here are some links to groups and forums that are focused on de-transitioning, stopping transition, as well as no-ho/no-surgery groups that might be useful to anyone considering these options:

No Going Back - Yahoo Group

Stopping T - Livejournal Community

Our Own Path - Livejournal Community

Please feel free to post other groups that you may know of that should also belong to this list.

Not a problem Tim. I mentioned some of this in the TG Guild as you saw, and it reminded me how I'd been meaning to write about stopping testosterone here for ages. I just feel like it's an important topic as I said. I had thought Art made a thread once upon a time when they stopped, but when I went to look for it it wasn't there, so I must have imagined it. It's a whole lot to try to pinpoint in any detail while at the same time keep it brief. So even though it's a bit vague and general, I hope it's useful to some people. I think I came off sounding a bit negative about hormones, but really that's not the case at all and I hope no one takes it that way. I appreciate everything testosterone was able to do for me and I have zero regrets about starting it. This is how I wanted it to be. I just want people to know that stopping is just as viable an option, as starting/not starting, or waiting is.

You're welcome, Nate :3

There are groups out there, specifically focused on stopping all or part of transition, and even for reversing all or part of transition. If anyone ever wants links to those, let me know. There is support out there for all sorts of experiences. No one needs to feel alone.

The idea of stopping testosterone just to have to take estrogen was not something I wanted to consider. I am so very fortunate to not require any kind of regular medication and I want to appreciate that by not taking anything if I can help it while I still can. The need for estrogen after a hysterectomy is exactly why I did not want a hysterectomy.

Over the years though I've taken a closer inspection of hysterectomies and their alternatives. I was surprised by the amount of options available, including multiple kinds of hysterectomy. Now I know that not all hysterectomies involve an oophorectomy, which is the removal of the ovaries. So you can have a hysterectomy done to cease menstruation, but keep your ovaries for the production of estrogen. On top of that, a hysterectomy isn't the only way to do this. There are alternative methods such as endometrial ablation as an example. If someone has had a hysterectomy though, it doesn't mean they have to take estrogen or hormone replacement to be healthy. A very regimented and complete diet can provide an equal enough level of health to ward off osteoporosis and other potential problems.

I haven't decided what route I will proceed with as I'm still in the research stage. I want to do as little as possible to get the desired outcomes of: no bleeding, and no chance of pregnancy. I need to find out what doctors I can talk to, where I would have to go to have a procedure done, if it's covered or not, and what problems I could run into with being legally male requiring a female specific surgery.

I'll collect what information I know and post it here as I refresh my memory as well as look for the most up to date information. Also, I'll add some links here and to the main support links page in the next few days or so. I'm still in Australia so it sometimes takes me a few days to get around to internetland what with lack of internet access and wild adventures ;>

Oh it's definitely helpful. For me it's a good thing to keep in mind because I am having some real tough times adjusting to all of this even though I have zero regrets and am very happy with it, and I've just never really thought about what it would mean for me if I were to stop. I know people who have stopped and some who started again, some who had to for health reasons, etc. But it had never really occurred to me as something to consider, so it's a good thing to at least contemplate rather than never think about at all.

By the way, it's Kyle, not Tim. ;]

@Nate: I totally agree with you, I think it'll be wonderful to have those resources posted here too!

You both are awesome and beautiful people! Thanks for all you two do!

It's so so true. It's great that it has it's own places to be spoken about at length, but it's disconcerting that it isn't mentioned often or in any respected detail in the average FtM forum. It's all so focused on transitioning. It'd be good if it were discussed in those communities more often just so it can be seen as an equal option for people to consider when just starting to figure out what they want to do.

I just added three groups that I'm aware of that are focused on stopping transition/de-transitioning/and not transitioning. I'll ask Art if they know of more. I have to admit they aren't as active as some forums and communities we might be used to as it is a much smaller margin of people using them, but there is still useful information found in the archives.




Whoops whoops whoops! I must have missed the name change announcement, sorry about that. Kyle it is -nods-

I know you were hesitant about starting testosterone initially. Just because you don't have any regrets though, it's still comforting to remind yourself that you're not stuck taking it forever if you don't want to. At least I found that comforting. The idea of taking it for awhile and stopping later is relieving, even if you don't ever feel the desire to stop. I'm glad it's working out so well for you though.




I think that's the common perception that it's a for-life thing. However fortunately for FtMs, a lot of the effects of testosterone are permanent so to go back to estrogen wouldn't take away those changes. That's not to say it won't have an affect at all though. Testosterone gives a lot of permanent changes such as facial and body hair growth, but it also give you more muscle density and redistributes body fat. The latter affects would be affected by stopping testosterone and it's possible that you would lose some of the muscle you gain or have your weight shift, if you didn't work hard to keep it how it is. I already feel weaker than I was which is disappointing. But I just have to remind myself that estogen-bodied people are just as capable of gaining muscle as any testosterone bodied person. I might just have to work a little harder at it, that's all.

I assumed you had hysterectomy already, so the bit about you bleeding again surprised me.

I'm glad you made a decision based on what you really wanted and are happy about it.

That was very informative. The only reason I'd stop T is the lack of courage for self injecting, in my case...

No, I'd always held off from the idea of hysterectomy because: a. I wasn't sure I'd want to be on testosterone forever, b. I liked knowing my body could naturally produce a hormone all on its own in case an apocalypse happened, and c. because I'm not entirely convinced that the risks of having a hysterectomy is outweighed by not having one and using testosterone for your entire life.

Have you ever self-injected? It's really not that bad once you get the hang of it. It rarely ever hurt, no more than it did when a nurse would do it. As I said, I have no needle phobia as long as the needle isn't in my hand. But if I was self-injecting or injecting someone else, I was filled with anxiety even though nothing bad ever happened. On the flip side, a lot of the people I know that do have needle phobia for some reason have no problems self-injecting after a few shots. It's funny how the mind works sometimes, eh? I guess you just can't know unless you try it. I would go to walk-in clinics half the time. I hated waiting in the waiting room but at least it meant I'd get it done.



D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! This must be what happened, but how did I come to confuse you two? Besides being entirely different people, you don't even look alike other than you both having brown hair. I'm embarassed, sorry! Please forgive me.

Well regardless of my studpidity, I'm glad you found the information comforting. I also know of lots of people that have stopped for a multitude of reasons, including medical or personal, and were able to start again later and have no problem. Some people frown upon it saying it's not healthy, which is to be considered as the affects of switching the hormones you use multiple times would be quite a shock on the system I would imagine, but as long as it's done with care it should be ok. Always good to consult a doctor.