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 Posted: Sat Apr 17, 2010 12:02 am
Tonight at dinner with my dad we were discussing how me looking ridiculously young is the curse/blessing of my grandfather, and my dad said something like,
"Yeah, it was really annoying for my dad right up until..."
"Until he was like 35?"
"No, more like 45."
And then my brain went, Oh, well, as a woman-- (as in, "as a woman, I think 35 is when I'd start appreciating looking younger") before my brain sort of caught up with itself and was like, "OH WAIT THAT'S NOT RIGHT IS IT?"
Or I'll see a really cute kid and in my head be like, "When I'm a mom--OH WAIT DAD."
It's kind of extremely annoying, because it makes me feel really insecure about my trans identity, and I can't decide if it's just my head hasn't finished recalibrating my own pronouns or what.
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Posted: Sat Apr 17, 2010 12:23 am
Where woman, wife, mom, etc, were never words that I had applied to myself or my future, my mind doesn't jump to them when I'm talking to myself in my head. However the only times I ever subliminally revert to female pronouns is when I'm imagining what my cat is thinking about me. How specific is that? It'd be something like, Bunny: "I really wish she'd come home soon and cuddle me." I have no idea why that happens, but it does pretty much every time, and I imagine what my cat is thinking quite often haha. I know my cat doesn't think of me in terms of pronouns, as she wouldn't know what a pronoun was if she caught it by the tail, but it's just this one part of my brain that hasn't caught on. It's just a brain signal thing in regards to internal language usage. I don't believe it represents any great sense of your identity, it's just how your brain has been trained since birth. I've had my cat since I was a kid, long before I started thinking of myself in regards to male pronouns. It's just old subconscious habit. Similarly, words like husband or dad don't jump to mind either when I think of myself during related discussions. My mind hasn't been trained to think of those things automatically either. I just laugh and not worry about it.
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Posted: Sat Apr 17, 2010 3:52 am
Kite, that is incredibly cute. ;;
And yeah, I feel your brain - I had this problem a lot throughout the beginning. I've known I was transgendered since I was 13 and so have had 8 years to adjust to that fact. Earlier on in my full transition (age 17+) I was still testing my boundries and tampering with the gender spectrum, so even though I knew I was male my head would often automatically use female pronouns and terms for myself.
This continued even when I became more outright male, and I think it was partly just what I was used to and partly the fact that other people still hadn't come to fully accept me as male, so it confused my head and I was forever telling myself off.
Now that not a single person uses female pronouns for me (except for one sister that I don't see too often, but she tries her best now), the male pronouns come entirely naturally.
If anything, now I often use female pronouns in my head for my fiance, who is a cisgendered male but naturally mentally androgynous. o_o;
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Posted: Sat Apr 17, 2010 1:46 pm
Kitties! 4laugh I agree, that is pretty cute.
I do this sometimes too, but I can't think of a pattern to it. Like, it'll often be, "Oh, but I'm this kinda gal, not that kind--WAIT." which is odd because my entire life since I was like 9 I've usually said, "I'm this kinda guy..." *shrug* It might be the amount of people that call me "she," that I'm just picking up and doing the same thing.
I think when it comes to imagining myself as a parent, I often see myself as a father, but for some reason I still think of myself as possibly bearing a kid (not going to happen, so I don't know why I imagine that at all) so that might be why it's easier to think of myself in some instances as a "mom" and not a "dad."
:/ It's complex. I don't get it. But I'm glad it's not just me or just you.
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Posted: Sat Apr 17, 2010 2:49 pm
Thank you everyone, I feel a lot less mental now. <33
Also, agreed, Kite, that's super cute.
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Posted: Sun Apr 18, 2010 3:50 am
If i see a pup or kitten or something i'll think 'aww' but thats it really xp
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Posted: Sun Apr 18, 2010 11:28 pm
我就是你们女生最讨厌的那种人I'm the kind of guy you girls hate most.
Gotta be honest.
Didn't happen to me past the first six months after coming out.
I hope you have fun erasing my post style, though.
John Stalvern waited. The lights above him blinked and sparked out of the air. There were demons in the base. He didn't see them, but had expected them now for years. His warnings to Cernel Joson were not listenend to and now it was too late. Far too late for now, anyway. John was a space marine for fourteen years. When he was young he watched the spaceships and he said to dad "I want to be on the ships daddy." Dad said "No! You will BE KILL BY DEMONS" There was a time when he believed him. Then as he got oldered he stopped. But now in the space station base of the UAC he knew there were demons. "This is Joson" the radio crackered. "You must fight the demons!" So John gotted his palsma rifle and blew up the wall. "HE GOING TO KILL US" said the demons "I will shoot at him" said the cyberdemon and he fired the rocket missiles. John plasmaed at him and tried to blew him up. But then the ceiling fell and they were trapped and not able to kill. "No! I must kill the demons" he shouted The radio said "No, John. You are the demons" And then John was a zombie.
对了就是那个臭男孩
That's right, that jerk.
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Posted: Mon Apr 19, 2010 7:02 am
Well, it happens to my boyfriend as well.
Like others have said, it may be partly because you're not used to it yet, and also the fact that not everyone sees you as male yet. (Not sure if that's the case, though.)
My boyfriend hasn't started anything, all he does is wear binders, and his family doesn't know - his mother does, but does not accept it. So he's being called male by me and our friends, but female by everyone else...
It can get confusing. sweatdrop
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Posted: Tue Apr 20, 2010 1:47 am
Mr_Marc If i see a pup or kitten or something i'll think 'aww' but thats it really xp Definitely not a female trait. ;3
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Posted: Tue Apr 20, 2010 10:00 am
Since I'm a pretty femme guy, and I've always identified with femme guys, using female pronouns/etc doesn't strike me as that dissonant. Think drag queens and "flaming" gays....going back and forth between pronouns and gendered expectations starts seeming common.
At first, it kinda freaked me out, mostly because it didn't freak me out. But then I realized I identified with a subculture and jumble of mannerisms where that kind of criss-cross is expected. So I just watched Priscilla and rolled with it razz
It does get under my skin in real life, though, no lie. Probably because I'm used to getting "she"d by people who think I'm a girl, and never sure if someone's just using drag-lingo or actually confusing my gender.
I think of being my cat's mommy, too. [because "daddy" means something different ;0] Sometimes I can see myself as a little old lady, like the ones with the shopping baskets and the weird clothes. xD Maybe I'm planning on not getting [physically] older than 45 so my only template for "cool old person" is "eccentric old lady".
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Posted: Tue Apr 20, 2010 6:15 pm
-JM Sometimes I can see myself as a little old lady, like the ones with the shopping baskets and the weird clothes. xD Maybe I'm planning on not getting [physically] older than 45 so my only template for "cool old person" is "eccentric old lady". No kidding!!
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Posted: Tue Apr 20, 2010 7:20 pm
Thinking about me as an old lady was one of the things that actually helped me realize I was trans. There was just no way I was going to grow up to be an old lady. Yes, of course I don't want to be old at all, but the thought of being an old lady specifically upsets me more than being old in general. There's no logical reasoning behind this, there's nothing wrong with old ladies, it's just how I feel. But believe me, I will have cats, many of them. I'll also have a room in my home dedicated to my model train collection that I plan to have when I'm an old man.
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Posted: Sun Jun 20, 2010 10:19 pm
Yeah, I agree with Nathan. I used to do that sometimes. I'd done it all my life right? Of course, just the same as when other people did it, when I did it, I'd catch it and be like "D'oh!" but now that it's uncommon to hear someone call me by a female word, male words are usually the ones in my head now. :3
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Posted: Fri Jul 16, 2010 12:07 am
I'm glad other people do the 'female pronouns in your mind' thing too, I do it once in a while and it always makes me a bit uneasy, like it makes me question my transsexuality a bit. Glad to hear that's pretty normal haha
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Posted: Fri Jul 16, 2010 11:34 am
What's strange is even before I knew about transsexuality, and about me, I used to avoid using female specific adjectives in french when talking about myself. So when I transitioned, I never made a mistake with calling myself she, or female in any way, because I already switched long before I even started transitioning.
It's like a subconscious reject. xd
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