Welcome to Gaia! ::

I can relate to this quite well Nate! Not the exact situation, but similar.

I was struggling a lot when I was first coming out and finally one day I just really needed someone to talk to face to face. With no clue how to find local trans people, naively assuming I must be the only trans guy in my entire province, I made a post on a Livejournal community simply asking if there was anyone from Nova Scotia. I got a single reply. We met at a cafe near my university right after class. He was quite a bit older, with grey hair. I think he had recently started T. I was amazed though. He looked great and I could hardly believe he was trans at all. I was incredibly shy and had no idea what to talk about, but he gave me the assurance that things were possible even here in my little city. He told me about a local group of men that meet, and about an upcoming lunch he was attending.

It was the lunch is what reminded me of your situation, Nate. My friend canceled last minute because he was sick, but he encouraged me to go. I was completely nervous and hesitant, not only going somewhere I'd never been before, but also going alone and meeting a bunch of people I'd never met before. I didn't realize until I arrived there, that this wasn't just a few trans people meeting for lunch, but that this was a transgender conference! There were trans people everywhere! I didn't know what to do, where the people I was supposed to be meeting were, or anything. Eventually one of the guys who'd I'd spoken to briefly via e-mail noticed me and waved me over to their table. Not knowing anyone and still being so new to all of this and unsure of myself, I kept quite quiet. Little did I know that some of the people I was eating lunch with famous within the trans community, that one of the people was going to be my future therapist, and a few of them were going to become my friends. Even though I didn't speak much, I learned so much so fast. It was then that I was hearing how voices sounded on testosterone, that I heard people talking about their upcoming chest surgeries, and about how happy they were with their lower surgeries. It was completely overwhelming, but I'm so happy that I was brave enough to go, and not skipped out due to fear.

After that I started attending the local trans men group. I couldn't even believe that there was such a thing. I quickly got to know all of the regulars. Everyone was quite a bit older than me. I was technically younger than I was supposed to be to attend the meetings because it was held at a mental hospital of all places, but I was allowed to attend as a "guest." Most of those guys were already on T and were in the process of surgeries. They met to pass on new information to each other, but mostly it was the social aspect of feeling like you were among people that understood you, even if we were all radically different from each other in personality and background. They were very open to answering any of my questions when I was brave enough to ask them, but mostly I just listened to them talk.

After a year the group sort of disbanded unofficially because we were all just getting so busy in our own lives. We keep in touch now and then through an online mailing list, but mostly if we want to catch up we do it individually. Due to losing the group, I found another group. This one was aimed at trans youth. Even more shocked than I was to learn that there were other guys around, was that there were other young guys around too. Through that group I made a lot of my closest friends. We're not friends because we're trans, but having that in common does bring a comfort to our relationships.

All in all, I think groups are wonderful. We all go to them for different reasons, we get different things out of them, and what we all offer our groups is different too. That's what's great. You never know who you're going to meet, if someone will be there that can help you with something, or someone will be there that needs your help, or if you'll all just have a laugh and a good time.

I'm incredibly socially awkward as well, especially now that I'm living as male and I never even got the hang of socializing with females, so I sympathize. First time in a new place with new people can be hard, especially when you don't want to look like a dunce. Honestly, just try to be yourself, and even if you do come off looking like a dunce (I did, which I'll write about in a moment) it just gives you something to laugh about later, and everyone forgets eventually.

The first time I went to a trans youth group, I'd read about it a few times in various links but never had the time/courage to go. I had a Friday off of work for once, and no excuse not to go, so I showed up at 6. Not realizing it started at 6:30, I panicked and almost left right away. I called a friend to look it up for me and he gave me the real time, so I stuck around. I was dressed in interview clothes, which were mens, but I feel super awkward dressed up anyhow so it made it like three times worse. When the coordinators finally showed up I went and knocked on the door about five minutes later and said something stupid and non-specific that I can't recall, and the guy who answered the door just smiled and told me it was the trans youth group and invited me in. He took me aside for a small briefing everyone gets - confidentiality, respect, the usual stuff - as well as introducing himself. That night there was only myself and one other new person as the youth, because for some reason all the regulars hadn't shown, so conversation was a bit slow at first. I was so nervous I managed to knock over my cup of soda and made a mess, and didn't say much overall, but I still went back the next week and tried again. I've been going off and on (unfortunately, lately, more off than on) for over two years now, and it's the best thing ever. We have colouring books and puzzles and spontaneous pillow fights. We eat dinner and laugh and share experiences and offer support and listen to problems, though we do them as friends and not people sharing in a circle. I love it and the people.

My second introduction into a trans group happened when I was meeting the coordinator of the Transhealth Program in his office. I knew I wanted to start my transition but had to idea where to start, and he enthusiastically set about referring me to my psychiatrist, showering me with pamphlets, and talking my ear off. I had an advantage there, because I'd met him at a lecture a couple years earlier with the same convictions, and he remembered me. While I was still dazed he hauled me off to a trans meeting just starting a few offices away and dumped me in a chair in the corner. This one was very formal, with everyone arranged around a boardroom table giving their name, their story, and if they wanted to a problem that the discussion leader (I forgot to mention, the coordinators for my other group are all trans, as are most if not all the people who work in the Transhealth program) and others could offer suggestions. The other major difference was the age group: most of the people were MtFs in their fourties until well into their sixties, in various stages of transitions, and I was barely nineteen. I had almost nothing to say when the circle came around to me, and never went back to that group, only because I felt it did not benefit me rather than feeling like I wasn't welcome.