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Almost every guild I'm in has a rant thread of some sort. It sounds disasterous I know, but it has always proved successful. This thread is for everyone to come to whine and vent. That way it is left out of other threads and so if other members don't want to hear it, then they can just ignore this thread. We all get frustrated over many things in life, not just trans related issues. Sometimes just sharing it can make you feel a lot better and you might even find that you're not so alone in your feelings. Sometimes our rants seem too personal and not suited for other threads or discussions, so this is the thread to stick them in, rather than bottling it all up inside. This thread is not for flaming or anything abusive of any sort. No arguments will be tolerated.

lol. the TG guild has been maddening lately. I think everyone should just stop going there for like, a couple of days. But part of it is because we all have really clashing personalities.

Here's my rant.
I'm so tired of all this *s**t*. It's bad enough that I have a tendency to be afraid of things but this is ridiculous. I'm scared to no end that I'll get beat up and possibly killed if I go overseas, and it's so bad that I can't even finish reading the book Resurrection Man for class because it makes me cry, with all the talk of how Victor murders people. I sat and watched most of Bloody Sunday in class and the whole ********' thing made me cry. You can't even tell yourself, "oh, it's just a movie", because bloody sunday is a real event and people were massacred. Just recently a guy in Derry got attacked for being gay and lost sight in one eye. He's 20 years old too. I'M 20 years old. I can think of all the things that might provoke someone - I look Arabic or Pakistani or Indian, I'm transgender, I'm gay, and I was raised Catholic. I'm a ********' poofta Taig!! I've been asking on LJ for advice and hopefully it's not so bad but how do I know? I can't come out to anyone here except a few people, and all the guys are so overtly masculine that it's a joke. (I pass to them, which makes no sense whatsoever.)

I'm just tired of being afraid. Plus I'm starting T soon, and I've got to figure out a way to tell Dad.

My mother has back tracked. She's gone farther back then when she started. I came out to her near the end of June. She's slowly gotten worse. She had her good and bad days. On her good days she defended me against persecution from others. On her bad days she's been that persecution. Right now she's doubting me completely. She thinks I'm being a stubborn, unstable, depressed, stupid, insane, 18 year old.

Yeah I am all of those things, but I'm also transsexual.

She told my aunt. I thought my aunt would be the one family member that would really understand but it turns out she's shocked. She said she thought I was always such a "strong woman." My mother thinks I'm a woman that is denying being a woman.

My mother wants proof. Scientific, undisputable proof, specifically behind my case. That's what it'll take for her to believe that I'm right about who I am and that I'm right in my choice in how to deal with who I am. I want to have surgery and HRT. She thinks I am a confused young girl going through a trendy phase and that I'll regret it all later. She wants me to be gender fluid; to bend gender and be who I want and be happy. That's nice and all, but I'm not gender fluid. I love the idea of gender bending but it's not what I want to do right now. I want to be be myself and be happy, I just have a different way of going about that then her. Perhaps I will be more open to being gender fluid once I've transitioned and actually have more of a choice of passing as one or the other. Right now I pass as an ugly girl. That's it. I don't think that's really gender bending.

I have so many factors against me it's sickening. My story is not original. My story sounds exactly like a lot of girl's stories. Tomboy>Tried to be a girl and failed>Denial of identity> and then I just took it further and came out as transsexual. My father is sexist and raised me to believe men are better. I liked my father more growing up and I wanted to please him. But to please him I either had to be "his little girl" but I was already too old [he started saying I was too old to be his little girl when I was five years old...] or be a boy. So I was a boy just like my twin brother. But he still didn't treat us like equals.

Growing up I couldn't relate to girls, communicate, or interact with them at all. I played with the boys and I felt right at home. I always felt shock and hurt when they said I was a girl. I was stronger than the boys. I was faster than the boys. I could climb higher trees and throw rocks farther than any boy. I tried to prove to them that just because my body was a girl's, that I was still a boy.

I was in major denial my whole childhood that I was a girl. I was so so sure I was a boy despite having a v****a and I was convinced that when puberty hit I would magically turn into a boy. Somehow that seemed to make total sense to me. I was incredibly disappointed.

So I tried to be a girl. I tried to make my hair pretty and I tried to wear nice clothes. I taught myself how to walk and stand like a girl. How to giggle so boys would think I was cute. But really I never passed as a girl. People just thought I was weird.

You know what? That sounds like the same story as almost every other tomboy. The only difference is, that I still think I'm a boy and I still want to actually have a sex change. But hearing such a plain story, why would anyone believe me? My whole story is proof against me. I'm cursed by it.

My mother has been saying hurtful things. "Why would you want to be a fat hairy man?" Why would I want to be any sort of woman? But she loves me. Overall she loves me and wants me to be happy. I just wish she'd believe me and let me do what I want. What I know will make me better. No I will not be happy because of it. This is not a cure everything and life will be fantastic forever sort of thing. But it's a step there in a sense. It'll take a lot more than just some surgery and horomones to make me happy, I know that.

My mum has been good. She calls me by my name most of the time. So do my step father and brother. I'm probably just being impatient but I already feel so weak and depressed. I just don't know if I can stand up and fight against my own mother. I don't have the strength right now.

My mother knows I'm against medication and unnecessary surgeries. I don't even take a tylenol when I have a headache. So for me who's always been in to natural cures for ailments, to say that I want major surgery or something as drastic as HRT you think she'd take me seriously.

Also the fact that I have a twin brother makes it hard for me to not think there is some connection there. It was evident at birth that he received more in the womb than I did. He was considerably larger and healthy. I was small and born withonly one kidney. It could be quite possible that during the androgen shower and what not that I was also denied of my fair share. It's quite uncommon to have male and female fraternal twins.

Very brief whine:

My nipples need to heal faster, damnit. evil

[1- My uncle, aunt and grandma all came over and busted into my room with my dad, and I passed out asleep after working 12 hours. I've taken to sleeping without a shirt lately. For some reason my father has this thing against me closing any door in the house. He insists that I always leave them open. I like my privacy. I think I'm entitled to it at 21 years old. I came out later but the only thing they commented on way 'my boy hair'. *thankgod*

2- My dad thinks I was lying about my huge bout of depression. Apparently, I must have been making it up to get attention. He makes fun of me for when I had been cutting myself and trying to commit suicide. He tells me I'm an idiot, and that he never gets depressed. He also makes fun of me about my ex-stalker/rapist, everytime I say something about relationships being stupid, he uses it against me with the old, 'well, remember who YOU were with...'. I finally screamed at him in a resturaunt to never bring it up again and started crying.

3- My mom flat out doesn't believe me. She thinks it's some sort of 'phase', or influence from the people I'm hanging out with (despite the fact that I'm the only trans person within the next 24y894y38934 miles radius of me...). She thinks I'm joking when I say part of the reason I want to transfer schools is because I get beat up and s**t here, and I think that it would be a better environment for me there. And she was talking with my stepdad about it, which I SPECIFICALLY asked her NOT to do, because he's an IDIOT... Uuuuuuggghhh.... I dont feel like having him compare me to my brothers to try and prove me wrong, or make up other stupid excuses for my feeling that are completely childish and ABSURD. 'Look at your brother's rooms compared to yours', 'look at what their hobbies are compared to yours'. Who ******** cares? So I don't let my underwear ferment in the corner and I make cosplay outfits. La dee ******** da. That's just my tastes, not my gender.
My mom has a major in psychology. Why doesn't she see what's really going on? WHY. DOESN'T. ANYONE. JUST. TRUST ME!!?

[/blahblahblah]

Edit: *reads Nios's post* Agggh. I feel ya. Your earlier rant was also my sophomore child psychology paper. (I got an A on it. :3 ) Go us for being able to kick everyone's asses in gym class. I used to do it just to prove [something that I still don't know] to them... and myself, I guess. Oh god!! I had kidney failure as a kid. I have one working kidney too. stopitthisiscreepy!!!XD

Soda- DON'T MOVE HERE!! gonk Having to be so afraid sucks. You should probably just move somewhere really accepting eventually.

Thy- Umm... I hope your n****e feels better xd

Also, I'm not really in a bad mood even though these bad things keep happening. I just feel kind of bitchy. Maybe I'm too goofy anymore to get depressed. Oh well!! I have something else that really pissed me off at work, so I'll be back. >D ]

[*pities him*
If I'm older than you all, I'm the forerunner and I should be killed to stop the madness. xd ]

I think you're older than him too Art. He's one year older than me.

Yeah it's funny how we all kind of want to share the same trans likeness just for validation's sake, but it's just not how it is. We're all just individuals with one big thing in common, just the way it should be.