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 Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 11:50 am
Intro: Three girls named Haley, Tristan, and Jordan went camping together on
Friday the 13th. They were dared by a couple girls and guys at school to go
camping at Grey Gardens Camping Center. The dare was to stay their for the
night and tell scary stories by a fire. Haley, Tristan, and Jordan thought okay
so what that's not scary so they went.
"Okay girls let's make a fire." Haley says smiling. Tristan gets the matches
out her backpack. "Wait how are we going to make a fire if there are no
logs?" Tristan ask. "We'll have to go look for some then." Haley says. "Like
where?" Tristan says. "We'll I guess the only place where logs would be is in
the woods." Haley says. "Are you crazy I'm not going in the woods at this
time of night." Jordan says being scared. "I don't like the dark." Jordan says.
"We'll then you stay here while me and Tristan go get the logs." Haley says.
Haley and Tristan gets up and heads for the woods. "Wait!" Jordan yells out.
"I'm coming!" Jordan yells out. Jordan follows Haley and Tristan. They begin
walking. "It looks kinda scary in here." Jordan says. "Would you stop being
a baby and come on." Haley says. "The faster we get the logs and stop
complaining, the sooner were able to get out of here go back to the fire."
Haley says. They start walking again. Then noises started to pop up. "Hey
do you guys hear that?" Jordan says. "No?" Haley and Tristan say. They
begin walking again. "Hey I found some logs!" Tristan calls out. She runs for
them and gets them. Haley and Jordan follow her doing the same. Then they
start walking back. The noises come again. Jordan stops in steps. She turns
around and doesn't see anything. Then she keeps on walking. The noises
come again.
I'm not very good but this is all I got so far.
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Posted: Sat Jul 07, 2012 10:03 am
Ok, there are a few things to address here. Your intro should not be put there. Show don't tell. Instead have the girls first talk about the dare that they have to do. Intros like yours should only be in scripts. Also I find the Friday the 13th setting to be cliche. Some of the best horror tales can occur on the most unassuming nights.
Also you use the word "said" way too many times. And you use other words that vary back to back. People don't just talk: they whisper, they call, they yell, they moan, they groan, they snap, they reply, they scold, they snarl, the list goes on. Another thing is this: "Are you crazy I'm not going in the woods at this time of night." Jordan says being scared, "I don't like the dark." Jordan says.
You did that several times and you can take out the extra Jordan says. If you add a comma like I did after being scared, people will know whatever statement that follows is still the same person speaking.
Another thing that bugs me is that you have no description here. No idea about the forest other than the name, no smells, sights or anything. Basically with how you wrote this, the forest is silent and there is NO such thing as a silent forest. Then with the strange sounds you don't describe them at all. What do they sound like? Is it low growls? Odd humming? Leaves crunching?
Ultimately this looks like something that would be a good summary of events for yourself but I strongly feel you need to add more. Anyways, I know that was a long list but don't let that daunt you. Keep on working at it!
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