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It had been nearly two days since her… lunch… not… date… with Alois. Scenes form it still played over and over in Micah’s head as she went about the last 48 hours. Things she wanted to do over: handing Alois his cane when he hadn’t even needed it, assuming compliments, she whole ******** greeting when he walked through the door. But then there were things that she wanted to keep reliving. Like the way Alois stared at her, or the matchbook he’d given her, or how he’d said she was interesting. That was maybe the highest compliment that could have been paid to her. That she was interesting. That paired with the way he’d stared at her.

Micah shivered.

What had he been thinking when he watched her? Had he even been thinking of her, or was he simply staring through her. Was he thinking about her now the way she was thinking about him? Was his skin still on fire? Had it been set aflame at all?

Now you’re just being ridiculous, she huffed at herself, slamming the pan down on the stovetop. It was one date. It wasn’t even a date. Millie would be here any minute, and she’d want to know what Micah had been up to. And when Micah told her that she’d been on a date, Millie would be very interested. Micah couldn’t be rattled when she told Millie. She would have to be mature. Right?

Focus on the batter. For mazimum fluff, the batter had to be a room temperature, and it had finally reached it. Millie would have the fluffiest pancakes in all of creation if Micah had anything to say about it. She also put the maple syrup on low to heat it up and keep it warm. For now she focused on what was before her. Breakfast. Breakfast her for master.

Micah was shocked out of her musings by Millie’s question. Just the sudden voice was enough to make Micah’s nerves jump, but the question itself gave her much pause. She blinked at the girl widely for a moment or two before her face finally split into a smile, shaking her head. Of course Millie had noticed. Millie always noticed things like that. It wasn’t like Micah was very hard to read at all but.

“It’s…” Micah began and then fell off, biting her lips nervously. “I mean yes but…” She dumped the dry ingredients into the bowl as she tried to find a way to word what she was thinking of.

“Sort of… like we just met but…” Micah shrugged, grinning like an idiot. “He’s really attractive… in a dark sort of way? I don’t know, I was never really into that look but…” Again, Micah trailed off, groping for something to say when her mind only fell blank. “I think it’s something in the way he looked at me on our date… I mean it wasn’t a date… I was making up for being particularly mean to him on accident…” Finally she huffed, whisking the batter to distract herself.

“I met him in the park earlier that week. He was walking, and hurt himself. I checked on him and he was… well he was rude. So I was rude right back. And when I saw his cane I sort of jacked it.” She muttered her confession, not wanting to meet Millie’s eyes. “And then he told me his injury was only a few days old – how was I supposed to know that, only someone profoundly strong or profoundly stupid would walk with a new injury.” Another huff as Micah finished her rationalization. “Well, I gave him my number… I can’t for the life of me remember why… and we texted the next day… then I made him lunch. At my house. Because I’m a moron who doesn’t know where the line is…”

She abandoned that line of thought. It was frazzling her again, she could feel it. Her nerves began to spark and fray at the thought.

“Silver dollar pancakes or big ones?”

That certainly was a new request. It wasn’t like it was one Micah couldn’t fulfill, it would just take a bit longer. For a moment she considered her pan and nodded, deciding exactly how she was going to attack that design.

“Alright, then I’ll need a squeeze bottle and blueberries. Any idea where the first one is?”

Micah wouldn’t need help with the latter; she knew her way around the kitchen. Into the fridge, Micah delved, digging until she found the berries.

“I don’t know, it’s just… he’s odd, you know? He would go quiet for long spans of time and just watch me. But I wasn’t uncomfortable just… hot, you know? No, of course you don’t know. And you better not know for a while.” Micah found the squeeze bottle on her own, rinsing it out before she filled it with batter and outlined the foot on the hot pan. She waited for that outline to cook slightly, still talking.

“He’s got nice legs, that much is for sure. As a runner, I can appreciate a nice pair of those. He said I was interesting.” Micah blushed, pulling on her bottom lip. “No one’s ever said that before. It was nice, you know? To feel like someone really wanted to talk to me. Not having people feel obligated to do so. I hve so very few people who feel that way. Really just you and Jett." With the outline slightly cooked, Micah filled it in, carefully placing five little blueberries along the toes.

"How many were you thinking?"

Seven. That sounded like a little much, but Micah grinned despite the order and nodded.

“Seven it is, then.”

She flipped the pancake, judging the color for a moment before deciding to add more flour to the batter.

“It’s not the fact that he’s a random stranger, Millie,” Micah finally responded, rubbing a blueberry between her fingers momentarily before popping it into her mouth. “It’s more… ‘hey, this potential mate thinks I’m interesting. I am an interesting mate option’ you know? Like… okay, you think I’m interesting, but you’re a 12 year old girl, and I’m not looking to form a lifelong partnership with you. Nor am I looking to do so with my boxing instructor.” Onto the plate the first foot pancake went, covered with a towel to keep it warm while it awaited it’s brothers.

“I’m glad you think I’m interesting, I really am. And I do believe you. There’s just sort of a difference between friends thinking you’re interesting and someone who might want to spend their time sexually with you finding you interesting. Like… I’m almost 20, Millie. I have needs, you know? Needs that haven’t been fulfilled yet by anyone. Like no one even wants to put their face on my face, not since Keren left. You know she was my last relationship? I didn’t even have one in Scotland! I was just… lonely. I still am.”

Micah sighed and outlined another foot, waiting for the second step.

“Oh my god I’m almost 20 and no one has… oh my god.”

Again, Millie’s question gave Micah pause. She knew how to answer, it was just… how did she put this in a way that wouldn’t make Millie think less of her? She absently flipped the second pancake and sighed, resting her weight on one leg and crossing the other behind her. Oh dear. This was getting touchy fast.

“Millie… it’s not… it’s not about… the relationship…” Micah didn’t quite know how to finish that sentence. Maybe she should pose this concept to Millie’s mom and have her explain why Millie’s friend wanted to be a trollop.

“Besides, I couldn’t have a relationship so soon after Keren. I loved her, you know? And then she powered up and I was so excited and then she just… was gone.” Micah still smarted at the memory, though she was getting better at not crying.

“Oh, Millie, I don’t know if she’s dead or alive and it’s eating me away because… it could be my fault… I’m not ready for another relationship yet. I may never be. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want someone in bed, you know?” Second pancake done and on the plate. On to pancake three. “I’m an adult, I’m allowed to have sex with someone without being in a relationship, that’s totally fine. And if I do, then yeah, I’m gonna make him wear a rubber. I’m not a total idiot.” Micah did some quick thinking and whirled to Millie, pointing her spatula at her. “That being said, I’m not going into that lightly. I know was sex entails, and I ready for the potential outcomes. Don’t take things like this like a joke. Even casual sex is serious business.” Oh my god. I’m having this conversation with a twelve-year-old. I’m a grown woman, who has never known to warmth of another’s body, and I’m bitching about it to a twelve-year-old. This is my life now.

The third pancake was flipped and Micah went on. “He’s more like a grey jedi, I think. If he’s a jedi at all. I honestly think he’s just a man, though. An attractive man, but just a man.”

“Glue, huh? Is he going to be part of your food team?” She wasn’t even sorry about her joke. Micah was thankful for the change in subject. She flipped the third pancake onto the plate and slid it over to Millie, followed by a small glass of syrup. She smiled easier now, latching onto the new topic of discussion. Between her confusion about Alois and her despair over Keren… Millie’s life was looking a lot less rocky than hers.

“I didn’t know you’d gotten a cat, when did that happen?”

She poured Millie a glass of milk and a glass of juice.

“How do you even get a cat, do they show up and you lick them or what?”

Micah happily crinkled her nose as Millie had none of her humor. Why couldn’t everything be this simple? She made Millie pancakes and talked and Millie boiled things down like Misha did but with the slightly more objective perspective than her twin. Misha had to be on her side, Millie job was to kick Micah into place when she needed it.

“It’s a joke, Millie. That old stereotype that kids eat glue. And how do you even get a cat bound to you, like how does that happen?” While her own cat, Pippin, was very fond of her, he was in no way bonded to her. She just took him shopping and fed him and loved him. Really… who was he bonded to? Micah hadn’t really bothered to ask him where his home was. Just sort of pampered him when he was there, called on him when she needed his help. That was it.

Millie’s happy hum made Micah smile even more, flipping another pancake onto a spare plate. Only two more to go.

“Is it what you wanted, Millie?”

Micah shrugged, flipping the final two pancakes onto a plate for Millie.

"Is it selfish to want to be happy? Of course not. Everyone wants to be happy." She flopped the last pancakes onto Millie's plate before turning to finally make her own. "There's nothing selfish about that, my love. Where it gets selfish is if you're asking for things the other party can't provide.

"For example... I want you to love me. And you do. That's not selfish. What woudl be selfish is if I asked for your love and didn't give you anything in return. If I asked you to love me and then carried on with my life without doing anything to reciprocate." Leaving was selfish. Micah tried to untwist the knot in her stomach as she flipped her own boring circle pancakes before they burned.

"And that's not really your style. So, working under the assumption that you give as much as you request, no. You're not selfish at all."