I apologize ahead of time for the length of this post, but I really need to get all of this out before I ******** explode.

I know I haven't been posting or really doing anything in the shop, I've sorta been hiding out on messengers and in smaller shops because I have so much to do and so little time to do it. Life has been kicking me and the rest of my family in the teeth for a long time now and I'm so tired of it.

Here's just the recent events.

Our air conditioning/heating unit hadn't worked for months. So end of last year, beginning of this year we were pretty much freezing, and most of the summer we've been melting. The A/C is fixed now, but we can't afford to run it much because it adds like $400 to our electric bill because our house is old and not insulated properly. But we can't afford to have it insulated, so we just sort of live with fans.

Then, a part in our fridge died and all the food we had in it went bad. Mom and I told my dad not to eat any of it, but he's kind of an a*****e and an idiot who thinks he knows better than everyone else. That'll be detailed next. So our fridge was down for about two weeks. We were down to using a cooler for the fridge stuff and keeping our freezer things at my sister's house. Luckily, we have a friend who is a kind of handyman and has handyman friends. He ended up paying to have this guy he knew fix the part that was messed up in the fridge, so we didn't have to buy or rent a new fridge. However, because we could only buy food on a day-to-day basis, we ran out of money (and my foodstamps) super fast and ran out of a lot of food before mom got paid again. We're pretty much okay now. Sort of.

So back to Dad. He went into the hospital for about two weeks. First they said it was some weird thing he'd gotten because of the meds he takes or whatever and it was contagious. So mom and I were pretty much quarantined in our house for three days unless the labs came back and revealed he'd only had food poisoning. Which is what my mother told his doctor to begin with. While dad was in the hospital, we cleaned his room and bathroom THOROUGHLY. This had to be done because my father is pretty much a disgusting pig. He leaves his trash anywhere, spills things all over his desk and the floor and never cleans it up. While he was sick before he went to the hospital, he defecated on the floor of his bathroom and pretty much expected my mom and I to clean it up because he's old and fat and can't do things. (This happened after the hospital, too, but he's doing better now.

More general reasons why my dad is one of the main stressors in my life. He's 71. He weighs at least 350lbs. He's diabetic, he had a heart transplant about 18 years ago. He takes all of these medications (when he remembers) to keep his body from rejecting his heart and to "control" his diabetes, which doesn't work because he eats whatever the ******** he pleases and eats at least five times a day. And not like snacks, either. Practically meals. When I was little, we had a good relationship and I loved my father. I am now 25 and most of the time I just wish he'd go away. Just being around him pisses me off. I have to do almost everything for him. I have to drive him everywhere he needs to go because we took his truck and his driver's license away from him because he can't see good enough to drive and he'd been getting into accidents practically every year. He doesn't clean up after himself, he leaves dirty dishes and silverware in his room. I keep a towel next to the sink to put the clean dishes on and he leaves silverware with mustard, mayo, jelly on it whether there's dishes there or not. He leaves the stove on after he's done cooking. He gets grease and pepper and salt all over the stove when he cooks and just ******** leaves it there. I could clean the kitchen top to bottom and it would ******** sparkle but then five minutes later he'd go in and cook something and the kitchen would be ruined again. Same note, mom and I cleaned his room while he was in the hospital and he's got it dirty again already. The only things he does on a daily basis is eat, sleep, watch TV, and play poker on his computer. One of the main reasons my relationship with my dad started to deteriorate to what it is today is because when he came home from his heart transplant, he was pretty much in shape. But instead of keeping that up and doing what he was supposed to, he ate and ate and ate until he was what he is now. Every issue he has with his diabetes and his memory and all the physical stuff he can't do anymore he's done to himself.

I have a better relationship with my mom, but even that is starting to deteriorate. She just turned 60 and she's overweight too but she does a ******** ton more than my dad does. She's currently the only one in the house with a job. However, this means she expects me to do everything in the house. Which would be fine if I knew what the ******** I was doing. My mom has kept me sheltered and I've been spoiled pretty much my whole life. So....I don't really know the first thing about cleaning. I do dishes, and I do the laundry, and I sweep and swiffer the floors. And it's not enough. It's never enough. She makes me feel like everything is my fault.

So on to myself. I feel worthless, useless, and stupid. I am fat and lazy and I have a shitty memory. I have no friends outside of Gaia. I have no life outside of Gaia. I don't have anywhere to go to get out of this house and away from my family. I don't have a job because I don't have a lot of experience. I haven't had a job for years because I've had to stay home and help my mom take care of my dad. But now money is getting tighter and tighter so I have to look for a job, but no one will hire me because I have no experience. I am depressed and I should be on meds and in therapy but I can't afford insurance so I have to go through the city's free healthcare s**t. I have to be screened for it every three months to make sure I still qualify and if I miss the screening appointment, I have to wait a month for a new appointment.

And now today, the washer isn't working right. We can't afford to get it fixed and we damn sure can't afford to wash everything at the laundromat.

I just feel like life is out to get me and I just want to quit everything. I want to go to sleep and never wake up.

So. That's my life in...a really big nutshell.